Sunday, March 4, 2007

some tough decisions

more than anything, it is crucially important to me that i take some "john time" this summer to refresh my mental batteries. Any of you that have spent time with me in the past month or two, know just how passionate I am about this. More so than grad school or a change of career itself. There is no point diving into a whole new life situation, if I am not mentally ready for matter what it may be.

With that in mind, I find myself in a tough position. to a normal outsider, it is a no-brainer. I however, see things a bit differently.

I have not said anything about my Penn State visit, becuase I've needed time to think a lot before saying anything. I still do.

Exactly what I did not want to happen is beginning to happen. I am stressing about my house, school, work, insurance, where to go this summer, will i have enough time for "myself", new zealand, blah blah blah.

long story short: I did in fact get an offer letter from penn state....with a nice financial package as well. Putting aside New Zealand for sec, if i accepted this offer at PSU, financial it would be great move. Plus i could start in the fall. The problem is...with all that I have to take care of, I worry I may not have enough time for myself this summer. this may sound arrogant to anyone else....but i absolutely need this time...and i need it stress free. I want to travel, you know? finally say the mental goodbyes that I've needed to say for a couple years now.

so the way I see it is that I have 3 realistic options:

- I could accept, and bust ass in march and april, and probably still have june and july to do what I need to do....but i might not. If the house doesn't sell, or something else comes up, its too late, I've already accepted.

- I could accpt, but defer my enrollment for one year. The school had already told me i can do this and that I don't lose any of my award money or the TA position i was offered. problem here is...I don't really need a whole year...and I'm already in my thirties as is. I'm not getting any younger. If i were 25...there's no question I would defer.

- I could forget it all together and not go. (this goes back to the whole, stay at my job and suck it up thing)

i have spent the whole day so far thinking about just what things might hold me in Cleveland this summer, and most of them I could have taken care of by either friends, by hiring someone, or by granting power of attorney to someone.

I'm starting to think that It might just be possible to have my cake and eat it too. I can tell you one thing though. I refuse to fall back on my Fegy gene, of over-cautious conservatism. Maybe just once, i need to say "F*** it" and just do it.

I have a 5 day road trip that I leave for on the 12th with best friend. I respect him and his opinion more than just about anybody on this planet. I am setting a date of march 18th to make my final decision. I cannot procrastinate, or stall on any of these decisions

One last note: The school and department were amazing. I was extremely impressed. I plan to write more about the school experience itself a little later.